Thoughts on Haya Akegarasu's poem "Who Am I?" and "Not-Self"

From Episode 5 of "Words From My Teachers"

In Episode 5, in the essay, The Natural Way, Rev. Gyomay includes a poem by his teacher, Rev. Haya Akegarasu. The poem, Who Am I, addresses the illusive self, which in Buddhism, is taught as “not-self” or anatta. This not-self is one of the “three marks of existence”. The Buddha taught that all phenomena, including thoughts, emotions, and experiences, are marked by three characteristics, or “three marks of existence”: impermanence (anicca), suffering or dissatisfaction (dukkha), and not-self (anatta).

I think the poem does a wonderful job expressing how it feels to explore the self, looking for what it is and questioning what you think it is. This is a great exercise to “get at” what the Buddha meant by not-self.

After you read it, I wonder if it reminds you of another poem in literature? A “non-Buddhist” poem? I will reveal that at the end of the poem text.

Here is the poem by Rev. Akegarasu:

Who Am I?
~ by Rev. Akegarasu Haya

My thought is thought,

it is never myself.

I had thought that my thought is myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

My experience is experience.

It is never myself.

I had thought that experience is myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

My feelings are feelings,

they are never myself.

I had thought that my feelings are myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

My will is will.

It is never myself.

I had thought

that my will is myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

My wishes are wishes,

they are never myself.

I had thought that my wishes are myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

My deeds are deeds,

they are never myself.

I had thought that my deeds are myself,

but now I'm aware

I made a terrible mistake.

But then

who am I?

Yes, it is true, that through

thought, experience, feeling,

will, wish, and deed

I manifest myself,

but also

I manifest myself

when I break out

of all of these.

I am not such a limited self,

conceptualized self,

as to exist apart from others!

I alone

am the most noble:

I embrace the cosmos.

What an indescribable,

subtle existence I am!

I cannot in

speaking or writing

put down who I am!

I always touch this indescribable self,

always follow this indescribable self.

Truth is here.

In Song of Myself from Walt Whitman (who was not quite a contemporary of Haya Akegarasu, with only some years overlapping), he wrote this in the first stanza:

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,

And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

And this in stanza 51:

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Stopping here, I’ll ask you, dear reader and listener, have you looked for yourself? Who are you? What are you made of? Are you like everyone else or are you unique and discreet? Do you contain multitudes? Is your “natural self” “the most noble'“? And do you “embrace the cosmos?”

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